In Grey Waters

The Best Piece Of Advice I've Ever Received

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received came from my friend K. We were in our 20s and desperately trying to bridge the gap between fantasy and reality in our dating lives. Words like “let’s take a break” and “I don’t want to be exclusive” were on replay in my relationship. While growing up in the 90s, Hollywood movies were constantly bombarding me with sentiments like “when you know, you know.” The expectation that I would recognize the “one” was overwhelming and often exacerbated the confusion I felt between what my anxiety was yelling and what my gut was telling me.

As an introvert, I was already prone to overthinking. At the time, I didn't know anything about consent (other than no means no) or transparency in an ethical, open relationship. Additionally, I didn't have the tools to begin talking about these things. My relationship wasn't conforming to the standards I saw among my group of friends. 

Over an ugly cry, I got out the words “I don't know what to do!” and as K passed me the tissues, she looked me right in the eyes and in her stern, matter-of-fact Israeli accent, she said,

“I don’t know either. But I do know that sometimes there are no right or wrong answers, just the choices you make and the work you put into them.”

Her certainty on uncertainty was comforting. I stopped crying and nodded. I didn't have the clarity I needed, but K normalised not having all the answers. My position felt more tolerable. Sometimes we don’t need advice; we need a witness as we figure out what we're willing to explore and where our threshold ends. I didn’t know it then, but conversations on consent and transparency would have been incredibly helpful.

This article is about those moments in dating where you feel uncertain about your relationship's direction. Moments where you’re pushed out of your comfort zone to meet yourself and discover your potential wants, needs, and goals. 

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So how do we navigate these grey waters without completely drowning? 

As a dating coach, when I’m talking to my clients, I emphasise the importance of space in the choices they’re making. That’s what K did for me; I didn’t feel the pressure to know what was “right.” Instead, she gave me permission to set my threshold: whatever I felt like I could handle was the right choice for me. It required a sense of self-trust.

Did I want to end things now, or could I tolerate the discomfort and find happiness, security and satisfaction in new ways? In most dating instances, the “right” choice doesn’t exist.

Here are some questions to help you frame what’s right for you:

• What are your preferences?

• What feels good to you?

• How can you honour that?

• Are you connecting with honesty and informed consent?

• Does your partner understand what they can expect from you and what you expect from them?

• Is there freedom in your relationship to ask for what you want? Is there freedom for them to say no?

These are hard questions to ask yourself. Doing this work helps you build emotional awareness. Emotional awareness is a significant component of emotional intelligence and is particularly important in dating because there’s a strong association between emotional intelligence and relationship satisfaction. While asking yourself these questions, try to stay in the present.

Amid all this thinking, sometimes your intuition and anxiety can feel similar. So how can you tell the difference? I have an article with research references on this, but Jeff Guenther best describes a more body-centred approach: intuition is a “knowing” (think: déjà vu); anxiety is often fueled by fear, worry and doubt. Anxiety is typically very uncomfortable and sometimes conjured by past experiences that were unpleasant or outright traumatic. A gut feeling is from a centred place; it’s often not emotional but a subtle point in the right direction. 

If you still can’t figure it out, write it out. 

Ah yes, the age-old advice to write about your feelings. 

It works because when you focus on your experiences from the perspective of a narrator, it allows you to place distance between what you're experiencing and what you’re feeling. Writing out ‘hot thoughts’ (those knee-jerk reactions you have to a situation) separates you from your feelings. Feelings are not facts, and our anxiety tends to spike when we’re not being mindful of the present. When we see our inner monologue on a page, we can often parse what's rooted in reality and what’s not. 

The big secret to dating is that it’s an inside job. 

A lot of it is about self-trust.

So a quick tip for building some self-trust: Create a ritual for yourself. A ritual is different from a habit. A habit can be something like brushing your teeth; you do it every day without thinking about it. But a ritual requires concentration and intent. It can be a yoga session, journaling, a daily 20-minute jaunt around the block, a chapter of War and Peace every day for 361 days. Whatever it is, when you keep to a ritual, it builds self-trust. 

Pro tip: If you can’t keep up with your ritual for 3 days or even for 3 weeks, don’t give up, don’t shame yourself; nothing is ruined. Get back into it with the thought that whatever happened in the past, you inherited it. It’s a new day. It’s a new you. Get back to your ritual. 

We all need to be more comfortable making decisions without knowing if they’re right or wrong. I ended up staying in the relationship, and it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but it certainly helped me discover what I needed and what I wanted out of my next relationship. I learned that there isn’t anything instinctual about this; we’re not born knowing how to date well. 

Dating and relationships are calculated risks. There are no guarantees when people are constantly evolving. Think of your time in grey waters as a test of tolerance. How tolerant are you of those behaviours that leave you feeling uncertain? Lean towards your judgement and preferences. 

Like my friend K said, sometimes there is no right or wrong, just the decision you make and the work you put into it. This is especially true for the wild, vulnerable land of dating. 

Have a dating question or story you want to tell me? Write to me! I’ll do my best to address it in my upcoming posts.