How to Trust your Gut in Dating
A practical framework to overcome analysis paralysis
We know the land of analysis paralysis in dating is a lonely prison. It’s hard not to serve some time there when we’re told choosing a partner is the biggest decision in life. We’re told to follow our gut. But how?
We’ve all heard of stories of people wishing they had followed their gut. Their regret is palpable. When you do a quick Google search on improving your intuition, you get results on breathing techniques, meditation, and even guessing games. Although breathing exercises and meditation have proven benefits, they are not a structured way to strengthen your intuition.
As a dating coach for introverts, I work with many logical, linear thinkers. My clients regularly make choices by analyzing all possibilities until the best one stands out. This is how many of my clients define their intuition, ‘the feeling’ is often based on different data points and anything else seems impulsive. The dreaded analysis paralysis in dating happens when a single possibility never stands out, and they get stuck overthinking their situation.
Training your intuition to be focused internally can help you overcome analysis paralysis faster. Here’s a formula that can help you with analysis paralysis and will also build up your intuition in a way that serves you.
When making decisions:
If your Internal Focus > External Focus, put your intuition at the forefront of your decision-making process.
In other words, if your gut is focused on you, then listen to it.
The foundation of being internally focused is curiosity about yourself. In order to become more internally focused, here are some questions you can yourself:
Am I facing something new? Am I curious about how this dating experience might change me?
Do I have an opportunity to learn something new about myself?
The foundation of being externally focused is someone else’s judgement. Here are some questions that you may have asked yourself in the past:
What will my date think of me if I don’t do x? (Implies they know better or that your reputation might be at stake.)
If I don’t do x, then y will happen. (That’s an ultimatum! Usually a red flag.)
I’ll need to defend or justify my actions to others.
There’s so much overthinking that happens in dating. Here are the most common tendencies I see in clients and some questions you can ask yourself to grow more confident in your intuition.
Analysis paralysis strikes when negative attributes overpower positive ones.
Picture a strainer and a pitcher of water with a few grains of rice. The water is all the positive attributes that someone brings to a first date. The rice represents all the negatives. What happens when you pour the water through the strainer? Only the rice remains.
Our brains tend to work this way, too. We are SO much better at honing in on negative attributes than positive ones. For example, you’re an author, and you get a bad book review. Despite many raving reviews, the bad review is all you think about. This is the Negativity Bias1. It’s no surprise that we’re hardwired for negativity in dating, too.
Let’s say you go out with someone and overall you had a good time.
But you can’t stop ruminating over your date’s outdated and mismatched outfit.
Or their receding hairline.
Or maybe they’re a lawyer and you don’t want to date a lawyer for some reason.
How do you train your intuition out of this?
Gut Check: Internal Focus > External Focus
Externally focused: They’re not really what I envisioned for myself. What would others think if I brought them as my date to the holiday party?
Internally focused: How do you want to feel about yourself when you’re dating and did they make you feel that way? Let’s say you value feeling funny and smart. If your date doesn’t laugh or smile at any of your jokes and makes you feel stupid on the date, then it doesn’t matter if they dressed impeccably. Don’t lose sight of how you want to feel, and make sure they played a role in making you feel that way. Then you can address whether wardrobe, hair or whatever else you envisioned in your future partner are deal-breakers or minor nuisances.
Analysis paralysis strikes when you get overloaded with choice and feel overwhelmed.
A second tendency is to value more choice over commitment because we fear missing out on a better option. But when given too many choices, we experience choice overload and feel overwhelmed2.
I always think of myself staring at a 10-page menu with Ryan Gosling across from me, yelling, “What do you want?!”
Sometimes it’s easier (and more pleasant) to pick what you want to eat when you only have a few options. In dating, this can mean having a hard time committing to a second or third date (or even to a relationship) because there are many other potential options on the apps.
Externally focused: Thinking that there might be someone else that’s better suited for you. This may lead to giving up on someone before your connection has a chance to grow.
Internally focused: Are your relationship needs being met with this person? Are you confusing something that bothers you as a deal-breaker? (Hint: great love stories are built, not found!)
Analysis paralysis strikes when we get tunnel vision.
Lastly, the most common analysis paralysis issue I see is when my clients think someone’s actions on a date truly reflect that person’s entire character rather than the circumstances in which they find themselves. This is the fundamental attribution error3. It’s not uncommon for us to put on blinders and then ignore external reasons to explain someone’s behaviour.
Externally focused: They’re late. They don’t respect my time; they don’t respect me. You might start overanalyzing their intent rather than reframing the situation to keep an open mind and heart.
Internally focused: When did I go through something similar? How can I cut them some slack?
It’s hard to automatically be compassionate in dating without practice. It can feel like you’re giving someone too much leeway when they don’t deserve it. The goal here is to stay internally focused because the compassion you’re showing during the date will mean that you tried your best to stay open-minded. By the end of the date, you’ll have more data points to make an informed decision on whether or not you want to go on another date.
Sometimes we jump to conclusions before knowing what the person is going through. Maybe they left their house on time and got stuck in traffic. Of course, if this becomes a pattern or the rest of the date is awful, you don’t need to see them again. That choice is still yours to make at the end of the date. But for the short time that you’re with them, keep an open mind.
Some of the hardest romantic decisions I had to make became obvious when I started asking myself the right questions. Surrendering yourself to the unknown is hard, but the alternative is anxiety and a false sense of control. Sometimes it can take a while for your heart to catch up with your brain. In the meantime, you’re training yourself to ask the right questions. Often, externally focused thinking feels like you’re jumping for others; internally focused thinking feels like you’re stretching for yourself.
It’s going to feel vulnerable. Look inwards, stay open, ask the right questions, and breathe.
Ito, T. A., Larsen, J. T., Smith, N. K., & Cacioppo, J. T. (1998). Negative information weighs more heavily on the brain: The negativity bias in evaluative categorizations. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(4), 887–900. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.75.4.887
Schwartz, Barry. The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. New York: Ecco, 2004. Print.
“Fundamental Attribution Error--Bias&Heuristics,” The Decision Lab, accessed Oct 22, 2021, https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/fundamental-attribution-error/
Really good and helpful read!