The Rise of Intentionality in Dating: How a Pandemic Created Longing for Deeper Connections
What you can do to attract people whose relationship vision aligns with yours
When people hear that I’m a dating coach, one of their first remarks is, “Oh wow, you must have had a busy summer.” I did, but not for the reasons you might think. I wasn’t busy because of pent-up sexual energy caused by lockdowns. And I didn’t see trends of a Hot Vax Summer. My clients weren’t coming to me hoping to score tons of dates. They were searching for deeper connections.
At first, I thought my clients were anomalies. Then I heard an episode of This American Life where a single woman talked about her dating life:
“There is back and forth banter, teasing. Then you, I don't know, sometimes get drunk and then just start talking about all the things you want to do to one another. You get in a cab. You go back to their apartment. And then you're alone with them, and you just want to hug.”
And it hit me: my clients weren’t anomalies at all. The levity behind Hot Vax Summer failed to consider the depth of the situation around us. There’s a rise in intentionality in dating, and there’s data to back it up:
27% of Hinge users reported ghosting less often than they did before the pandemic. We’ve become more empathetic and compassionate towards others in dating, especially when everyone is going through a hard time.
Of a 12,000 person survey taken on Hinge, one in three found themselves in undefined romantic relationships, whereas 75% stated they wanted to be in a relationship.
New trends like hardballing, where you clearly state what you’re looking for and assess whether you’re aligned very early on, are on the rise. As are mantras such as “needy is normal.”
So, are you ready to hardball? What can you do to be intentional in dating?
I give my clients a script for this (read on), but there’s always some reluctance with being direct. Many clients express anxieties. “They’ll think I’m desperate” or “I don’t want to scare them off.” But those who would react negatively to clear alignment cues are not your people. You’re not telling them you want to marry them; you’re telling them that you’re being intentional with how you’re dating. Will they be your person? Who knows. You’re just clear with what you want.
Here are some things you can do on your own to become more intentional:
Determine how you want to feel when you’re dating. This is different from what you want in another person. Do you want to feel smart? Funny? Secure? Come up with your top 3, and don’t compromise. If you value feeling smart, it doesn’t matter if Brad Pitt is sitting across from you if he makes you feel stupid. Know how you want to feel and prioritize it.
Pick two values and use them as your compass in dating. What do you value most? Family? Excellence? Artistic expression? Openness? There are a lot of values out there, and it can be hard to pick. Why two and not four? Brené Brown argues that “if everything on the list is important, then nothing is truly a driver for you. It’s just a gauzy list of feel-good words.” Knowing your values will also give you clarity when you’re making hard choices. Easy choices are easy because the alternative is clearly worse. Hard choices are hard because there are nuances and ambiguity in the decisions you’re making. Ruth Chang reminds us that hard choices are always an opportunity to lean into the person you want to be. Lean into your values in dating. Knowing them helps you define boundaries, deal-breakers and guides you in finding someone who will complement those values. Most importantly, you won’t be easily swayed by others when your values don’t match up.
What about intentionality in dating apps?
Have no shame indicating that you’re interested in a relationship. Hinge and Bumble have badges that indicate this clearly. Trust that the people who say “Don’t know yet” and “Something casual” say what they mean on their profiles. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, and they’re being open with where they’re at. Respect it and don’t try to change their mind.
Look for reasons to say yes to someone. Maybe having a partner who travels is important to you, so you dismiss people if they don’t have any travel photos. But ask yourself if you’re really attracted to someone who travels or if you’re attracted to someone who is curious and has a sense of adventure. Similarly, you can never know if someone is loyal, has a growth mindset, or will be there for you when you need them most just by looking at their online dating profile. You need to get to know them. People are meant to be experienced. Make it easy for people to talk to you by using action-oriented prompts such as “Swipe right if…”, “Give me travel tips for…”, “Teach me something about…”, and “You should leave a comment if…”.
Finally, here’s how you can do all of this in person:
Ask more why questions than what questions (e.g. why did you decide to become a teacher?).
Find out whether your values are aligned early into dating (e.g. family, career, religion, lifestyle).
Try having hard conversations early on and be really clear with what you want. I don’t think the first date is too soon to ask your date what they’re looking for in a non-judgmental way. The key is to ask first before speaking your truth. If you state your preferences, you risk being told what you want to hear. Ask: “what would be the best dating outcome for you right now?” Listen carefully first, and then say whether you’re aligned. Be clear about your desires and the kind of love you’re after.
If you liked this post, you can find more on my website: www.quietconfidence.io.