Ever tried to “keep calm and carry on” before a date? Chances are you found it pretty challenging. It’s like being told to relax when you’re feeling enraged, panicked, or stressed. Yet, being calm is portrayed as the key ingredient to being in control. Definitely something to strive for before a date, right?
Maybe not. Going from a high, nervous or anxious state to a low, relaxed state is extremely difficult.
It’s counterproductive. It’s exhausting. And it can lead to dating burnout.
There’s an easier path. In fact, it’s the opposite of being calm, especially when it comes to being nervous about anything related to dating.
I should be getting out more. I must be in a relationship before I turn 30. I should have more sexual experience. I should keep calm before a date.
These “I shoulds” and “I musts” are slowly chipping away at your self-trust and core confidence.
These are expectations you impose on yourself, and they’re heavy. And you might be feeling the pressure.
Pressure can undermine your confidence. Pressure can elicit fear of failure and fear of rejection. Pressure can rush you into rash decision-making.
When I notice clients feel particularly jittery and anxious before dates, here’s what I teach them: Alison Wood Brooks’ research on reappraising pre-performance anxiety as excitement.
Telling yourself to be calm when you’re anxious rarely works. Instead, pivot to excitement. The “I shoulds” and “I musts” turn into...
I could...
I can…
I’m excited to try.
In dating, this may mean getting excited about the opportunity to let someone hear your funniest travelling story or about your passion for transit systems. Asking yourself questions that hype you up allows you to tap into that excitement when you feel nervous. If the date goes well, how might that change your week?
As introverts, we know that it's a lot easier to connect once we’re in the groove of talking about something we’re into.
So next time you’re feeling anxious, try to find ways to turn it into excitement.