10 Ways Introverts Can Avoid Dates That Feel Like Interviews
Get to deeper conversations by making small talk fun and playful
Get to deeper conversations by making small talk fun and playful
Small talk in dating often feels like an interview. Because we’ve answered them so often, we have automatic scripts for questions like:
“Where are you from?”
“What do you do?”
“Where did you go to school? What did you study?”
“Where do you see yourself in a few years?”
Even though you thoughtfully chose a quiet coffee shop, you might as well be sitting in a conference room when asking or answering these questions. We dive into canned responses because we don’t need to think about what we’re saying.
Maybe the sterile vibe of the notorious interview date kills any attraction you feel. Maybe you’re anxious in social environments, and small talk is frustrating. Or maybe when you don’t know what to say, you don’t say anything at all.
*Cue the awkward silence*
I think a lot of introverts can relate. The topics we care to talk about are often politically controversial or emotionally fraught. Let’s bypass small talk altogether and get to better conversations! But without small talk, conversations can get too intense too quickly. Shifting to a serious discussion can feel like an ambush and lead to awkwardness or a dead-end conversation. And it’s not necessarily because your conversation partner doesn’t want to talk to you. It’s just that you’ve caught them off-guard, and they suddenly don’t know what to say.
We might hate it, but small talk acts as an important bridge between rote conversations and deeper conversations. And we have to cross it slowly.
So, we need to find a better way to form connections on first dates. This post aims to alleviate the nerves and nuisances around first date small talk so that you can confidently cross the bridge into deeper conversation and form connections on your dates.
Think about a recent conversation you’ve had with a close friend. Often, there isn’t much of a blueprint, and the flow of conversation effortlessly jumps from topic to topic. These conversations flow naturally because they feel familiar and because you’re both interested and invested in the conversation.
When you meet someone new, you’re suddenly treading in unfamiliar waters. Unfamiliarity can cause nervousness, but it is also responsible for the rush of excitement that makes dating fun. Recreating a version of the curiosity and investment you feel for a friend is essential for fun and playful small talk on a date.
Here are ten ways you can make small talk more fun in dating:
1.To prevent small talk from feeling too interview-like, only ask questions that genuinely interest you. You’re naturally more animated when you’re curious and how you say something matters just as much as what you say.
2. Before your date, think of three things you would be comfortable sharing. Your date will likely ask you about what’s on your profile or something you’ve mentioned over text. Have 2–3 interesting stories related to your profile ready to share. They can be stories from your childhood or something that happened last week — the main thing is to be prepared. Keep them positive and fun! They don’t need to be funny; they just need to be something you find exciting. By being a little prepared, you’ll significantly reduce the chances of the conversation ending prematurely.
3. If you must discuss work, think about the most personal aspects of your job. This doesn’t have to be in the weeds; you can talk about what inspired you to become a [job title] or about a problem you solved recently. Or, if nothing comes to mind, you could agree not to discuss work at the start of the date! The choice is yours.
4. Think of the question behind the question. When I was writing my thesis, “how’s your thesis going?” was the worst question a date could ask. My reaction was to feel frustrated, and I had to take a step back and remind myself: they don’t care about whether my methodology chapter is done. They just want to know how I’m doing. Realizing this, I started to use this question as a segue to talk about something I actually wanted to talk about. “Thesis writing is chugging along. But I’ve also been spending time on X, which has been really exciting because…” Yes, I’m shamelessly changing the topic, but I’m no longer getting frustrated. I’m taking the conversation to a better place for me.
5. Break up walls of text and drop shared references. If your initial talks are happening over text, use gifs, memes, pictures or a voice note to drop a shared reference. Do this for two reasons: It’s an attention grabber and breaks apart the wall of text. It’s a way to lighten the conversation. A recent paper¹ by Sierra Sylvia shows millennials quote video games to be more playful and establish group identity. Previous generations would do the same with lines from movies and songs. Use a video game, movie, or song reference to establish common ground — it’s a great way to set a playful tone. Bonus points if you can relate to something they’ve said or included in their profile.
6. When you’re at a loss for words:
Ask about them:
If they have an interesting name, ask what it means or who they’re named after.
Solicit advice — think of a situation in your life and ask them their opinion — what would they do?
Refer to something in their profile — how did they get into X?
What’s something they’re looking forward to this summer?
Do they have siblings? What are they like?
What’s their best friend like? How did they meet?
Tell them more about yourself or about something you recently read/heard/saw:
Tell them something you’re excited about.
Share something that recently interested you (sometimes listening to a few podcasts before a date helps with brainstorming ideas).
Share something that made you think. Better yet, something that made you rethink a previous stance.
Ask about your surroundings:
Have you been here before?
If you’re grabbing a bite to eat, ask, “what do you think I should get?” Add a bit of cheekiness by taking whatever they say and telling them they’ve passed the test. What test? The one you just made up!
7. If you get nervous, move as though you’re in honey. Very slowly. Fidgety people tend to make others feel on edge. Picture yourself moving slowly, intentionally, even if it’s just to grab your cup of coffee.
8. Fall back on your innate listening skills. Introverts tend to listen more than they speak. Listening is an important part of making someone feel good, but it’s also important to ask the right questions and provide the correct support responses. Sometimes we walk away from a conversation feeling really good, but we can’t remember all the topics brought up during the date. This is because people tend to remember how you made them feel more than what was said. This begins with how closely you’re listening and the kinds of questions you’re asking.
According to sociologist Charles Derber², support responses encourage whoever is speaking to go into more detail. A common issue that arises when we’re trying to connect is the need to relate. Relating too soon is the opposite of a support response because it puts the spotlight back on you. For instance, comforting someone grieving a loss with your own experiences of loss and grief might come naturally, but you’re directing the spotlight back to yourself.
Apply this to dating. When a date tells you they volunteer at a soup kitchen, don’t reply with, “That’s great! I’m also really into volunteering. In fact, I’m volunteering this weekend at an ALS run!” Although it’s upbeat and positive, a more supportive response would be to ask how long they’ve been volunteering at the soup kitchen and what brought them there.
Ask a few questions before sharing your own experiences.
9. Start and finish strong. Dating is personal! Keep that in mind even during small talk. When someone asks you how you are, give a personal piece of information along with your “good, thanks!” You can add in that you just got back from the gym or the bookstore — whatever you were up to last. Keep it personal even when you’re saying goodbye. Instead of wishing them a good week or day, use something you learned during your interaction and wish them luck in an upcoming D & D session, frisbee tournament, or dog adoption — whatever is going on in their life. Adding this personal touch makes it sound less like you’re someone they just met and more like someone they’re close with.
10. If it feels easy and natural, tell them how you feel. Saying something like “It’s really easy to talk to you, I’m having a lot of fun” is a vulnerable and bold thing to do. And it’s worth it. If the date is going really well, tell your date. This could trigger a stronger connection, ease the first date jitters, and lead to deeper conversations.
If you enjoyed this piece, you might like my 7 Dating Mindsets Shifts.
References
Sierra, Sylvia. “Playing Out Loud: Videogame References as Resources in Friend Interaction for Managing Frames, Epistemics, and Group Identity.” Language in Society 45.2 (2016): 217–245. Web.
Derber, Charles. The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life. 2nd ed. Oxford ;: Oxford University Press, 2000. Print.